My Journey to Healing Attachment Trauma - Part 1
Follow me as I dare to do the unthinkable: invest in myself
A few years ago, an old wound of abandonment burst open, exposing the anxious attachment style that had quietly taken root within me.
Based on research by psychologist Mary Ainsworth, an attachment style is essentially a relational blueprint rooted in attunement or the degree to which your caregivers were able to respond to your needs as a child. Consistent attunement allows a child to feel protected, nurtured, and taken care of. Adults with this type of early bond have a healthy association with love and are, therefore, able to replicate that same behavior in their close relationships.
Consistent misattunement, on the other hand, rewires the brain for protection instead of connection, communicating the message that it’s not safe to have needs, it’s better to avoid intimacy, and pain and abandonment are inevitable. This experience promotes an unhealthy association with love in adulthood, creating an insecure attachment style that manifests as maladaptive, self-sabotaging behaviors.
Essentially, people with insecure attachment styles deeply fear the very thing they crave the most: love.
It’s essential to understand that misattunement does not reflect a caregiver’s disinterest or a lack of willingness to provide love and support. It merely indicates a misalignment between what a child needed emotionally and what was ultimately given. After all, children don’t come with a handbook, and each child has very specific needs that may or may not be readily apparent. My abandonment wound has multiple sources, none of which are nefarious or neglectful.
The main insecure attachment styles are dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant/disorganized, and anxious preoccupied. The nature of your early misattunement informs which of these styles you’ll likely exhibit. Regardless of the specific type, the common theme is tremendous discomfort with intimate relationships.
**For more information on each attachment style, check out this video by popular attachment therapist Heide Priebe.**
Once an insecurely attached creates a bond with someone, their subconscious senses danger and triggers the fight-or-flight response. This situation creates intense emotional turmoil, leading to a profound sense of dysregulation. In an effort to find relief, these individuals often turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms they developed during their formative years.
I’ve faced many challenges in my life, but the pain of perceived abandonment was like nothing I’d ever experienced. Once triggered, a wave of panic crashed over me, pulling me into the depths of my shadow side. Unloveability enveloped me like a heavy cloak, threatening to consume every ounce of my being.
It nearly broke me.
Ordinarily, I would have used substances to cope, but sobriety eliminated that option. Talk therapy failed to address the issue, making me feel hopeless. I’d later learn that traditional therapeutic modalities are ill-suited for treating abandonment wounds because the injury is to the nonverbal part of the brain.
I needed something more.
One day, my friend Christen and I were discussing our past relationships, and she mentioned the idea of attachment styles. As I sat there, fully absorbed in her words, a sense of clarity washed over me. It was as if she were painting a vivid picture of my own struggles, each detail striking a chord deep within me.
She recommended the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller which pierced through a thick fog of confusion, shaking me to my core.
Upon recognizing my anxious attachment style, I came to understand that my very nature compels me to seek emotional connections and outside validation as a way to navigate my distress, just as I did as a child. I never learned to self-soothe, only to co-regulate with another. As a result, I operate under the mistaken assumption that I can’t meet my own needs and rely on other people to do so.
Unlike individuals with an avoidant attachment style, who tend to run from intimacy, I find myself with an intense, almost desperate urge to pursue closeness with others. This overwhelming desire often drives me to prioritize the needs and expectations of those around me at the expense of my own well-being. As a result, I generally focus all my energy and efforts on meeting other people’s needs instead of tending to my own.
As I feel closer to others and disregard myself, my fear of abandonment only grows, leading to increased psychological distress. I’m always afraid that I’ll lose the connection no matter how much reassurance I receive.
I also tend to constantly “perform” to gain external validation. I started dancing at the age of three and spent all my free time on stage. I worked tirelessly to attain academic excellence, my singular focus on cheers and gold stars.
Deep down, I feel inherently flawed and unworthy of love. Subconsciously, I believe that if I’m just perfect enough, I’ll finally get the love and care I need.
However, I’m never satisfied with attention and recognition because my insecurities are a bottomless pit.
You might assume that my longing would push me toward stable partners who can provide the safety and comfort I desperately seek. However, the reality is quite the opposite. Although I’ve had relationships with healthy individuals, I have never been able to reciprocate their love. Instead, I’ve always fallen for narcissists or avoidants because my subconscious is accustomed to and, therefore, favors the instability. It’s spent so much time seeking; that’s all it’s comfortable doing.
It’s as if I am caught in a paradox, yearning for a sense of security even as I make choices that lead me further away from it.
Thankfully, your attachment style isn’t fixed. With concerted effort, you can develop a secure style and engage with others in a healthy way.
The idea of possible relief gave me tremendous hope, catapulting me on a profound healing journey.
Since it was clear I had an external locus of identity, I decided that fortifying my self-concept was the best solution. I started using different techniques to change my personal beliefs and took the terrifying step of removing my mask and writing my truth online. Slowly, I started feeling more centered, accepting my strengths and weaknesses.
Soon after, I discovered conscious creation and began actively shaping my external reality. The power of manifestation rests in the ability to change your internal state to match an expected external outcome. Since I was quickly manifesting amazing things in my life, I assumed I was healed, and it was only a matter of time before I manifested a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
What I now realize is I was still seeking external validation to support my new sense of high self-esteem. Initially, my spiritual journey was centered around not drinking, an external focus. When I saw my sobriety flourishing, I added an additional motivation of reality generation, another external motive.
Essentially, I was engaging in spiritual bypass, using my success as proof that I had indeed healed. However, there was a reason why love continued to allude me.
How can you truly receive unconditional love from others if you're only capable of loving yourself under certain external conditions?
Recently, I successfully manifested my dream job, a position I had long envisioned for myself. The excitement of landing this role enlivened me, and I started dedicating all my energy and focus to excelling in my new responsibilities. Within just three weeks, I was thrilled to receive a promotion (something I had also manifested), which I saw as a testament to my hard work and dedication.
It felt wonderfully validating.
However, as I quickly immersed myself deeper into the demands of my career, I found myself slipping into a pattern of self-abandonment. I began to prioritize my professional ambitions over my own well-being, sacrificing essential aspects of my life and mental health in pursuit of success.
In the stillness of meditation and the quiet moments of introspection, a recurring message emerged within me: the urgent need to cultivate more balance in my life. This realization was mirrored by the concerns expressed by friends, family, and even my boss, who voiced their fears that my relentless pace would lead to burnout. Caught in a whirlwind of professional affirmation, I found myself addicted to the validation it brought. This craving for approval became a seductive distraction, causing me to continually delay the vital practice of self-care that my soul desperately required.
In addition, I started relying on another person to co-regulate the internal chaos.
Unbeknownst to me, I was inadvertently reinjuring my attachment wound, readying it to reemerge.
I hold a profound belief that the universe actively conspires to unveil the truest and most elevated versions of ourselves. Deep within, we each possess an essence that is inherently divine and flawless. However, as we navigate through life, our experiences can cloud this purity, creating barriers that distance us from our true magnificence. Yet the potential for reconnection remains ever-present, and the universe often intervenes to force us to ascend.
A few days ago, I found myself in a benign situation with the person I had been subconsciously using to co-regulate when suddenly, I felt the familiar stir of my abandonment wound. It was as if a hidden door had been flung open, allowing past feelings of loss and rejection to spill into the present, catching me off guard with their intensity. Powerful waves of panic and fear surged within me as if they were clawing their way to the surface.
Since I continued to ignore the universe’s gentle suggestions, it eventually orchestrated a poignant experience that forced me to confront the harsh reality of my situation, making it impossible to ignore any longer.
The idea that people only get sober when they are “sick and tired of being sick and tired” also applies to the willingness to tackle all dysfunctional behaviors.
After a long and tumultuous journey, my spirit felt utterly worn out, prompting me to seek out a new path.
The day after the triggering event, I enrolled in a specialized course to finally address my anxious attachment issues.
As I progress through the course, I am confronted with the terrifying truth that healing requires me to do the unimaginable—feel my feelings, learn to self-soothe, and fill myself with myself.
In these initial days, I’ve been forced to face my deepest fears, grappling with their grip on my emotions. Each moment has been a lesson in vulnerability, teaching me how to diminish their hold and neutralize my anxiety. As I plunge deep within, it strikes me just how profoundly these fears have woven themselves into the fabric of my existence, shaping my choices and influencing my relationship patterns, including my relationship with myself.
The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions, leaving me feeling both unsettled and exhilarated. I've been wrestling with a mix of feelings that seem to collide within me, yet there's a profound sense of liberation that accompanies them. It's a time of transformation, where I find myself embracing the idea of enduring short-lived discomfort to ultimately attain a deeper sense of tranquility.
I’m worth the struggle.
I stand at the edge of this journey, ready to face the challenges ahead and seek lasting peace.
Join me as I break free from the heavy chains that have, for far too long, held me captive in a state of turmoil and dissatisfaction. It’s time to liberate myself from this undesirable reality and embrace the possibilities that lie ahead.
Thank you for sharing your journey with this. I just took a quiz and apparently I’m anxious preoccupied (which is what I thought when I read descriptions I found). I need to learn more about this.