Quit Overthinking Your Identity

The best version of you is all of them

You’ve likely noticed I’ve been wholly absent lately. I went from consistently writing for six months to feeling little impetus to do so. At first, I thought it was simply burnout due to the added pressures of my new job. I genuinely aimed to restart yet found myself feeling listless, a term I usually don't ascribe to myself.

My sudden disinterest baffled me because writing is my greatest love. Over the years, I’ve noticed that when I experience existential angst, it often coincides with a powerful astrological influence pushing me to evolve.

In the present instance, the evolution was being instigated by the asteroid Chiron. Known as the wounded healer, Chiron exposes our deepest wounds to facilitate healing and personal growth, and the house it transits determines which life area needs to be addressed.

Since March 2023, Chiron has been traveling through my first house of personal identity, which, not surprisingly, was the month I made the paradigm-altering decision to get sober. As Chiron continued its sojourn, it dug its fingernails into my subconscious, peeling back layers of painful subconscious programming.

I went through a profound ego death, a transformative dismantling of my identity, and ventured into what Carl Jung referred to as the dark night of the soul. It was a voyage into the depths of my psyche, where I confronted my inner shadows.

Chiron was quite purposefully recasting my entire self-concept, readying me for a spiritual resurrection.

After a year of personal work, I was a phoenix fortified by the hot flames of penetrating awareness, ready to transition from becoming to being.

Since childhood, I’ve journaled for an audience of one, ignoring the pull to share my work publicly. The beauty of an ego death is that it reveals your purest essence, reintroducing you to your forgotten inner child.

After a year of deconstruction, I could no longer ignore the call to write online.

The mere idea of revealing my true self was daunting. The topics I discuss are deeply personal and esoteric, and the thought of possible judgment and ridicule was anxiety-inducing.

Nonetheless, I felt a powerful compulsion to follow my soul’s guidance and express my truth. According to my astrological chart, my life purpose is to inspire others to live authentically by example. Writing was a crucial step to actualizing that destiny.

I published my first article in April 2024. My ego was flooded with an overwhelming sense of panic and regret as I resisted the urge to immediately unpublish.

I mustered the courage to keep sharing, and after my second post, a calm warmth emanated from my heart, filling me with deep satisfaction. Engaging in honest self-expression harmonized my spirit, quite literally purifying my energetic field. As the dense pressure of spiritual misalignment lifted from my body, my inner state felt translucent and buoyant.

I had finally come home to myself.

While I immensely enjoyed writing, I felt intuitively that using my law degree and returning to the traditional workforce was important for my personal development.

After passing the bar exam, I landed an amazing job and relocated from Richmond, VA, to Dallas, TX, in October 2024. I immediately shifted my attention to professional achievement, the constant recognition only sharpening my focus. I started missing my weekly posting deadline and completely neglected my writing practice. I was quickly identifying more as Chandni, the titan of industry, instead of Chandni, the sensitive creative.

I started to worry that people at work would find my Substack, which would taint my work persona.

Suddenly, the identities felt mutually exclusive. To relieve the tremendous inner tension, I contemplated deleting my Substack.

Chiron continued to travel through my first house but was now moving retrograde. When a celestial body moves retrograde (backward), the universe frequently presents situations that prompt us to examine the resilience of our personal growth during the planet's forward motion.

While Chiron was moving direct, I had strengthened my identity and dared to reveal my authentic self.

I assumed Chiron retrograde was asking me to choose an identity when, in fact, it was calling for defragmentation—a consolidation of the splintered self.

The universe was testing my personal fidelity.

I had to embody all versions of myself, even if they appeared entirely disconnected. In fact, my task was to integrate these diverse elements into a unified narrative.

As soon as I recognized this, a restless energy ignited in my fingertips, and I immediately began writing this article. When Chiron transitioned from retrograde to direct in December 2024, I felt prepared to implement the lessons it had taught me. Accordingly, I contacted the mental health and wellness committee at work, expressing my interest in becoming the mental health advocate for my business sector.

By consistently sharing my story and advocating for mental health in the professional setting, I can help diminish stigma and demonstrate that it’s possible to be a professional powerhouse while also facing personal challenges.

I realize that succumbing to shame is not only cowardice but also incredibly selfish. Since I can’t foresee which facet of myself will resonate with someone, it’s my duty to present them all.

Chiron made clear that this is the only way to genuinely achieve my purpose.

***If you’re interested in how Chiron retrograde affected you, check out this article from my other newsletter Moonlight Shakti.***

Thank you for spending your valuable time with me. I am truly grateful for you, my wonderful reader.